From The Nietzsche Family Circus:

I took my daughter out on a play date today. Really, this is the first time in 18 months that I've had her all to myself and been completely responsible for her out of the house for more than an hour or two.

Needless to say, I wanted it to go well. Needless for Murphy to say, things didn't go as planned.

The play date host had recently purchased a new pair of shoes. Large, white shoes. They were sitting in the middle of the living room floor. My daughter, who is not yet very coordinated, went careening through the house at full tilt, tripped over the shoes, went airborne, and smashed her face into the wall of the living room.

You can always tell the severity of a child's injury by the type of crying that commences afterward. In this case, my daughter didn't move for a full five seconds, and then commenced to wail at the top of her lungs. She still didn't move. She just lay there with her face pressed against the wall.

I ran over to her and picked her up, whereupon blood began running from her nose all over our host's new white shoes and his carpet. I was completely paralyzed with indecision for a moment. But the smartass side of me surveyed the situation and I said "Wow! She fought the wall and the wall won!"

Well, it looks like Waiter Rant has finally hit the shelves. I've been waiting for this book for a long time.

I've been following the adventures of The Waiter almost since his blog began. It's one of my favorite reads.

I'm kind of annoyed that the press has done their sleuthing and determined that Waiter's restaurant, "The Bistro" is actually Lanterna Tuscan Bistro in Nyack. I'm annoyed because I figured it out two years ago (in January 2006), but I kept my mouth shut because I knew Waiter didn't want it revealed.

In case you were wondering how you could have figured it out yourself, here's the long list of clues that Waiter dropped over the years:

• New York metro area
• Italian Bistro
• Owner with a stereotypical, Italian-sounding name ("Fluvio")
• Owner offers occasional cooking classes
• Restaurant offers take-out
• Restaurant has a web site
• Take-out menu is posted online
• Very close to a Starbucks (I know, they're everywhere, but you'd be surprised how many possibilities this eliminates)
• Close proximity to an Irish pub where you can get your Bushmills, neat.
  

All those clues made me 90% sure the restaurant had to be Lanterna. However, the final clue for me was when Waiter posted that "The Bistro" had "river views". As you can see from this map, Lanterna is right on a big 'ol river.

I recently ate at at Cantina 1511 and was astonished at how yummy their margaritas were. They were honestly the best I've ever tasted.

First, there was not a ton of ice. They sell frozen margaritas, but the ones I had came straight out of a pitcher and were served on the rocks.

Second, it was obvious that it was made with fresh juices. Almost all the margaritas you'll ever have -- unless you're at one of my parties -- are made with mixes. The freshness of the stuff just made my day.

So, I set about figuring out how to duplicate this margarita. I wasn't quite able to duplicate the recipe, but what I ended up with was fan-fucking-tastic.

As the owner of Cantina 1511 will tell you, variations in the sweetness of the fruit play a huge part here, so your mileage may vary if you try this recipe.

Also, you can use any kind of tequila you want, but the Cabo Wabo Reposado I used just took the flavors to a completely new level.

Finally, an important note: though you have likely been led to believe that ripe limes are green and overripe limes are yellow. This is NOT TRUE. Ripe limes are yellow. Overripe limes are brown. Always get the ripest limes you can find.

Bryan's Fresh Juice Margaritas

Yield: About 8 margaritas, depending on the size of your glasses.

Ingredients

1 1/2 cups freshly squeezed lime juice
1/2 cup freshly squeezed orange juice
1 1/2 cups simple syrup
Cabo Wabo Reposado Tequila

Preparation

Strain the juices through a strainer into a pitcher. We don't want pulp in our margaritas. Gently stir in the simple syrup.

Optional: rim the margarita glass with kosher salt by rubbing a lime around the rim and dipping the rim in salt.

Pour the tequila into the bottom of the margarita glass. Margarita glasses have a small well at the bottom that blossoms up into a large mouth. I fill the bottom well in my glasses. Really, it depends on how much tequila you like and how fast you want to get smashed.

Add a handful of ice to the glass and pour juice mixture over the top until the glass is full.

Serve the result to a delighted audience.

I just made this recipe up tonight. It makes up for the fact that my mahi-mahi was not fresh and was actually pretty gross. This slaw rocked my world when I bit into it:

Bryan's Pepper and Mango Slaw

Ingredients

1 mango, julienned
1 red bell pepper, julienned
1 yellow or orange bell pepper, julienned
1 granny smith apple, julienned
1/2 red onion, julienned
1 jalapeño pepper, minced
Red wine or apple cider vinegar
Salt and pepper to taste

Preparation

Put everything in a bowl and toss to combine everything evenly. Add salt and pepper, using a little more pepper than salt. You just need enough salt to give it a little oomph. Add a couple tablespoons of vinegar and toss again. Taste the slaw and add seasoning and vinegar until it's to your liking.

My wife, bless her, usually handles all of the late-night baby issues. She is well within her rights to wake my lazy ass up and make me do it, but she either loves me or knows that it would be easier to just deal with it than to way me up. I'm not sure which.

As a result, I'm a little untrained on how to deal with 2:00am baby issues, which is how the following conversation came to take place:

Baby: Waaaaaaaaahhhhh!

Cecilia: Okay, Bryan, I'm completely exhausted so you are going to go give the baby her pacifier. You will not make eye contact. You will not speak. You will not make any noise at all. You will not engage the baby in anyway. You will simply grab the pacifier, insert it into her mouth, make sure she has a firm grasp on the stuffed elephant, tuck her in, and return to bed. Do you understand?

Me: Sir, yes sir!

As I've mentioned before, I have a lot of CAO cigars in my humidor.

I generally like CAO's product line. They are not the best cigars in my humidor, but they are pretty darn close. And some of their cigars, I really love (current CAO fave: the Criollo).

Every now and again, even knowing how good their cigars are, I get a nice surprise.

Last night, I opened up the "Miscellaneous CAO" drawer in my humidor and my eyes were drawn to the humble CAO Maduro. It ain't pretty, the wrapper is nothing fancy, it's just a plain-old maduro cigar.

I suddenly recalled that I'd smoked one of these before, as part of a sampler pack, and that I'd really enjoyed it. Really really enjoyed it.

"Why haven't I had one of these in a while?" I wondered. The one in the drawer had been there at least six months. It seemed strange that something I liked so much would be left to linger for so long, so I decided to end the wait cycle and took the CAO Maduro out for a spin.

To make a long story short, everything I remembered about the CAO Maduro was accurate.

With the first puffs, I began to experience that classic maduro flavor. You know the one I mean: that taste of slightly bitter berries that fills up your sinuses and gives you a full-head cigar sensation.

Next, came my favorite thing about CAO cigars: they consistently delivery big mouthfuls of smoke. When I'm smoking a cigar, the last thing in the world I want is wimpy smoke output. I want the smoke to enter my mouth and coat everything, so I can really taste it, send some out my nose to smell it, and still have plenty left over to do a group of smoke rings (if I'm so inclined). This "big smoke" characteristic is typical of the CAO brands, which is one reason I keep coming back to them.

The flavor kept on building as I smoked. And it kept getting better and better, adding richness and complexity with each puff. Usually, I read while I smoke, but the flavor of this cigar was good enough that I found it hard to concentrate on my book.

If there is one complaint to make about this particular cigar, it's that about 2/3 of the way through, it started drawing poorly and wouldn't stay lit. But that self-corrected after about 10 minutes.

Overall, it was a thoroughly enjoyable smoke, and I found myself wondering "Why don't I have more of these?"

That's a good question. One that I'll have to answer next time I'm at the tobacco store.

Waiter Rant has been out of commission for several days now.

For anyone wondering what happened, the good folks at SoundQue -- who host his site -- have confirmed that the WordPress software Waiter uses was hacked.

I suspected a hacker when, on the first day I began to get suspicious, I looked at the HTML source and saw that there was a hidden <iframe> tag that was downloading content from http://www.allddos.biz. None of that sounded good to me.

In any event, I'm assured that Waiter will be back on the air in a couple of days.

Where I work, everyone's e-mail address is first initial, last initial, at vgei.com. So if you are Pomerania Elbergort, your e-mail address is pevgeicom.

My e-mail, naturally, is bsvgeicom.

Do you have any idea how maddening it is to give that address out to somebody over the phone? This is what I usually wind up saying:

"Yes, that's 'B'-as-in-'boy', 'S'-like-'Sam', no, not 'F', 'S'! 'S'-like-'Sam'! at 'V'-like-'Victor', 'G'-like-'Gary', 'E'-like-'Edward', I dot com."

It makes me want to shoot myself in the head every time I have to say it.