The Blog of Many Hats

Okay, listen up restaurant owners, because I'm only going to say this one more time:

Stop using nasty ketchup!

There is only One True Ketchup^tm and that is Heinz. Hunt's is allowed if you can't find Heinz, but there are no other acceptable ketchup brands. At least not in the USA.

Now, those of you who care to look will find messages from me in alt.ketchup from the late 80's and early 90's extolling the virtues of mustard over ketchup. But I wrote those messages when I was still a teenager, and didn't understand that while off-brand mustard is palatable, generic ketchup is pure evil. Please forgive my youthful ignorance.

I just picked up a burger and fries from a local mom-and-pop burger joint. They gave me "House Recipe^(r) Tomato Ketchup^(u)". And it is fucking gross. ARGH!

Listen, people: I know that buying the right ketchup is a little bit more costly. But saving a few cents per burger is not worth alienating customers by feeding them toxic waste. STOP DOING IT AT ONCE.

Oh, and let me end by saying that there is a special circle of Hell reserved for you restauranteurs who refill Heinz bottles with generic ketchup-esque puke. Really, you people should just eat kittens and get it over with.

Update 2/10/07:

Today, my wife and I sat down to lunch and I put a brand new bottle of Heinz on the table. Cecilia is from Argentina and has only been in the USA for 3 years. She is not used to a lot of American brands. When she saw the Heinz, she said to me "I'm so glad you got that. I've decided that that brand is my favorite." I tell you, folks, I haven't been so proud since she and I watched Arnold Schwarzenegger speaking at the last Republican Convention and she told me that, if she was allowed to vote, she would vote Republican.