My wife, bless her, usually handles all of the late-night baby issues. She is well within her rights to wake my lazy ass up and make me do it, but she either loves me or knows that it would be easier to just deal with it than to way me up. I'm not sure which.
As a result, I'm a little untrained on how to deal with 2:00am baby issues, which is how the following conversation came to take place:
Baby: Waaaaaaaaahhhhh!
Cecilia: Okay, Bryan, I'm completely exhausted so you are going to go give the baby her pacifier. You will not make eye contact. You will not speak. You will not make any noise at all. You will not engage the baby in anyway. You will simply grab the pacifier, insert it into her mouth, make sure she has a firm grasp on the stuffed elephant, tuck her in, and return to bed. Do you understand?
Me: Sir, yes sir!